Archive for April, 2006|Monthly archive page


I’ve been fully aware of the fact that BDSM play can mess with one’s emotions. A lot. I hadn’t yet experienced the full extent of that, however, until a week ago, when I suddenly, and completely unexpectedly, broke down crying in the middle of an otherwise extremely pleasant play session. (A terrible term, but I’m at a loss for anything better.)

So what spurred the flood of tears? A single (misdirected) stroke of my belt to my lower back. It wasn’t painful, not any more or less than what I’ve been given, before. It wasn’t particularly sudden—I was ready for the blow. What I wasn’t ready for, the only factor I can figure, is the fact that it landed on my lower back, a location I know to be one of the few spots on the body you’re really not supposed to hit.

The moment was an intensely confusing one, and it wasn’t until I began to calm down a bit that I realized the overwhelming emotion I was struggling with was, simply, fear. But fear of what, exactly? A fear of getting physically hurt, to be sure—it wasn’t that getting hit on my back was particularly painful, but that it could potentially injure me.

I’m honestly at a loss for what was “really” going on. I haven’t played with a belt since. I want to try, again, but I think it’ll take a little while to work back into it again.