Talking about BDSM with Vanilla Friends

How do you do it?

An excerpt from a conversation I had late last night:

Friend A: So I found my new roommate’s Myspace profile, and her name on there is Mistress. And it gets better. Her boyfriend’s tagline just says “Yes, Mistress.”

Me: That’s awesome! I was actually going to joke about that when you told me he just does everything she says, but they actually are in a d/s relationship.

Friend B: Wow, that’s really weird.

Me: [Nervous] But there’s nothing wrong with it as long as it’s negotiated beforehand and it’s what gets you off…

Friend B: No, there’s nothing wrong with it, but it’s just fucking weird.

Friend C: [Speaking to me and Friend A] Why don’t you get X and Y [our partners] to do shit for you all the time?

[Awkward silence.]

Me: What the hell are you talking about?

Friend A: Yeah, I like my relationships to be a little more egalitarian than that.

[More discussion of new roommate “Mistress”]

Friend C: Isn’t that the sort of thing where, uh, you know, usually money is involved?

Me: [Angry] NO.

[Awkward silence, then a change of subject.]

[I go to bed with a sick feeling in my stomach.]

5 comments so far

  1. Wanderer on

    The joys of people who just never stop to think that (non-mainstream practice here) might be ok. *Hugs* Have you talked with these folks outright about d/s stuff and how it’s ok (not in a context of you, but in general) before?

    PS, I’ve been lurking for a few weeks now and I love your blog. Keep up the awesome insight.

  2. Meer on

    I’ll go with Friend C as the party that’s curious about D/s and BDSM.

    (*fills in bubble marked ‘c’ with No.2 pencil*)

  3. Dw3t-Hthr on

    The closest version to a conversation like that I’ve had went something like:

    Friend I know from a religious context: I really don’t think that a submissive can do a good job at [specific religious tasks].

    Me: I’m a submissive.

    Friend: … you are?

    Me: Yes. And in fact that is very closely related to how *I* do [specific religious tasks].

    Friend: Uh, wha, … but you’re not a doormat.

    Me: True.

    Friend: *sound of paradigm crash*

    But I’m one of those ‘out because I can’t comfortably be in’ people, honestly, so I’ll do things like that.

  4. BBW Switch on

    I honestly believe most every vanilla person has experienced D/s in their sex but don’t indentify it as such.
    I ask these questions: Ever blindfolded your sex partner? Ever tied your sex partner down? Ever used other identities such as the lonely housewife and the stud pool boy? Ever spanked your parter? Pulled hair?
    Usually, I get a yes to a few of those questions and my response is to point out that those are the beginnings of BDSM sex. It is usually shocking for them to realize they too have done “weird” stuff but thought it “normal” sexual behavior. 🙂

  5. meta on

    Just wanted to let you know I’m reading. 🙂

    I’ve been wondering about this topic, actually, but more focused on who I can tell and what I can say. Fortunately, I was able to disclose my full relationship with my Master to one of my closest friends, and she completely understood, so I haven’t yet had to attempt to justify this.


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