Trust After Mistakes

It’s taken me a long time to get over my fear that my partner will make a mistake while dominating me, unintentionally doing something that actually injures me or crosses a boundary I’m not ready to cross. In the past, it’s been really difficult for me to “come back” to a scene if anything goes wrong — and for me, all it takes for something to “go wrong” is for me to have any sense that my partner is not fully in control of the situation. All it takes is a stroke aimed at my ass to go to my lower back or my leg, and I become afraid. It doesn’t really matter whether or not the action itself hurt or disturbed me; it’s all about maintaining my trust that he’ll take care of me in a scene, that he is competent and conscious enough to handle anything that comes up. But I’ve realized that what that means, sometimes, is that I’m holding him to an impossible standard: I expect him to be the perfect dom, to never make a mistake.

(NOTE: This post contains explicit sexual imagery and descriptions of BDSM play.)

Last night, he slipped. While fucking me, for just a second, he accidentally slipped into my ass. This isn’t something that is off-limits between us, but rather, is something that I wasn’t expecting and recognized immediately as a mistake, a slip, and this was translated to my brain as “he’s not paying attention.”

I got very quiet and still, which is always an indicator that something’s wrong. He stopped, and stroked my head. “Do you want to stop? Are you okay?”

“Yes, I’m okay,” I said. “I don’t want to stop. But could you not dominate me for a minute?” He immediately continued to fuck me, but pushed his body up so that his weight wasn’t forcing me down, and for a minute, the sex was…just sex. And then, a few minutes later, he pushed me back down again and continued the way he was before. The position that he’d slipped out of, before. The position that was making me exceptionally nervous. I knew I had to say something, and just started talking. “I’m afraid right now. I can’t trust you, I haven’t gotten back to trusting you yet, I don’t want to stop but I can’t do this.”

And of course, that was a heavy blow to him. He tried to continue; not saying anything about my comment, he rolled off of me and ordered me to come. He then curled up on the other side of the bed, his back to me. I had told him that I couldn’t trust him, and that was pretty much the worst possible thing I could have said to him while we were having D/s sex. I felt awful. He felt awful. I held him for a while. I let him talk. We still felt awful. More silence.

Then I touched his face and looked into his eyes. “I’m still yours,” I said. I felt his body sink, relaxing. I had been holding his hand, and moved my hand so that he was now clutching my wrist. He laughed a little. “Even when mistakes happen. I’m still yours,” I repeated. He kissed me. And then we kissed some more. And then he flipped me on my back and we picked up our scene where we’d left off, and he dug his nails into my cheek and slapped my face, and everything was beautiful.

1 comment so far

  1. devastatingyet on

    Wow.

    My Joscelin responds very similarly to you if I’ve made a mistake. He’s often able to forgive/swallow it rather than needing me to really stop and take care of him, but I know even small mistakes throw him off. (It helps if I can admit it right away, but sometimes I am tempted to pass it off as intentional if I think I can.)

    And how could you not be? It’s scary to turn your body over to someone else. It’s viscerally scary in a way I can only occasionally actually experience or remember. (It is so hard, and in some ways not completely desirable, to keep the partner’s perspective in mind.)

    But of course we are human and do make mistakes, mis-aim, etc.

    Reading about you holding him and the conversation afterwards is such a strange experience. You sound like me – comforting your boyfriend with words and touch – and he sounds like me too – going a bit lost/broken when something has gone wrong with the d/s. Wow.


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