Ownership, Part Two

After a few difficult, intense conversations about the bracelet and everything I attach to that symbol, I decided that I didn’t want to wear it — not yet. While I feel that we’re pretty much on the same page about what it’s going to mean for us and how it will and will not change our relationship, I’m still hesitant. I’m hesitant because I’m not sure that I’m ready for what I want.

To me, ownership connotes a deeper level of D/s than what we’ve previously done. It means that while I certainly still have the ability to safeword and have it respected, I no longer can simply turn him down if I am able to do what he asks of me. It means that my body is for his pleasure, not mine, and that it is his choice whether to allow me pleasure or pain as well — and that if he does choose to give me pleasure, it will only be because it pleases him to do so. And even writing that makes my body start to tingle.

(All of this is really fucking with my concept of what consent means.)

To bring it all back to that bracelet, the symbol for all of this — we’ve come up with something that I hope will address both my fear of not being ready for the deeper submission I feel such a symbol demands of me, and my fear that he’s not as interested in all of this as I am. He will train me.

I’d had this in mind for a while, and I was afraid when I suggested it. Afraid that he would find it too demanding, afraid that he wouldn’t think he was able to do it. Instead, he laughed, took both my wrists in his hands, and said, “So what you want is for me to train you. To train you to be a better submissive. To train you to be fully mine. And you were worried that I wouldn’t like that idea?”

I had to laugh, too.

We’ve started, slowly. I don’t think I can really articulate the sort of minute changes to our sexual relationship that have been taking place, so I think for now, I’ll leave it at that.

1 comment so far

  1. devastatingyet on

    It sounds rather wonderful.

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