For the Very First Time

This is a story about how I realized that everything I thought was submission wasn’t, and how a few seconds changed my entire perspective on my sexuality. (NOTE: This post contains explicit sexual imagery and descriptions of BDSM play.)

He was fucking me in the ass, and it felt amazing; it was one of those times when everything just feels so intensely good. I was drunk on sensation and the sheer pleasure of it.

After a while, as the lubrication dried up and friction increased, it became less pleasant, and soon after, downright irritating.

“How do you feel?” he asked.

“It hurts,” I complained.

“Does it,” he murmured, and fucked me harder. “It feels wonderful to me.”

That was the moment that crystallized everything. In one second, I thought in a panic, “He’s not stopping,” and then in the next, “Of course he’s not; ‘it hurts’ is not a safeword. And unless I safeword, he’s free to use me for his pleasure. That’s what it means to truly submit. You are his.”

And then, a new feeling, a swimmy, delirious feeling in my head. I am his. I give myself to him completely in this, the surrender of myself to sensation not pleasurable, nor pleasurably painful, but decidedly unpleasant and uncomfortable. And in that, in that surrender, I touched a state of submission I had never felt. The physical discomfort was still there, yes, but somehow, within these few seconds, it had been transformed into something else. I was receiving sensations that gave me no erotic pleasure (unlike more direct pain, flogging, spanking, etc., which does), but the fact that I was choosing to continue in spite of that, because I really was giving my body over him to do with as he pleased — and that he knew the power in this, and had accepted it — gave me an erotic charge I’d never felt before.

5 comments so far

  1. Fluence on

    Ah yes, that sounds familiar…

  2. alterisego on

    “Of course he’s not; ‘it hurts’ is not a safeword.”

    That’s a great line.

  3. Sue on

    I recently found your blog through maymay’s site, and I wanted to thank you. I relate to so much of what you write, I wouldn’t know where to start. (I’m slowly reading my way through your archives.) As a submissive woman in a casual D/s relationship with my dominant, I understand so many of the situations you write about. Like this one. My husband/dominant and I don’t have much protocol and don’t even play at home that much, but where I am always submissive to him is in our sex life. My body is his, and he can use me/it whenever he wants. That’s our deal. It’s what I’ve agreed to, and what I want. And the moment where I truly realized what it meant to be submissive to him was the night where I really, really did NOT want to have sex, I told him no, and he fucked me anyway. I laid there and took it and realized that I was going against everything I’d ever been taught – that I can and should say no and that a man was supposed to respect my “no.” And I was scared by that, because I realized that it was okay with me.

    Anyway, I’ll be reading along, and really enjoying your insight and willingness to dig deep and talk about the harder, messier stuff.

  4. plum on

    LOvely! That erotic frisson gave me one, too.

  5. Little One on

    I just came across your blog today and wanted to say thank you. You give voice to so many thoughts that are in my head. I appreciate your honesty and your wilingness to be so upfront.
    Thank you!!!
    little one

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