Down Time

Before getting into a relationship with my current partner, I’d never had a lover who identified as a dom. I’d played some, with others, at things like light bondage — the usual stuff couples “try out” here and there. But the occasions were frustratingly few and far between, and it was a thrilling revelation when I discovered that with him, I could have that every day. Okay, almost every day.

Back in the beginning (and naturally, in the first bit of time before we’d had “the talk”) we still had relatively vanilla sex on a regular basis, which we both enjoyed. But it sort of got phased out of our lives, replaced by — well, even more enjoyable sex. Two years later, we’ve gotten to the point where pretty much every sexual encounter we have involves us dipping into our respective dom/sub minds; even when we’re not exactly constructing a scene, our sex is always informed by a D/S dynamic.

And in general, that’s just peachy. A good 95% of the time, that’s exactly what I want, too.

It’s that 5% that’s been bothering me. It’s the nights when the same thing we did two weeks ago not only fails to arouse me, but irritates me. It’s the nights when I have zero interest in any kind of sex at all. And it’s also the nights when I find myself wanting to just climb on top of him and fuck him until I come.

I’ve done that, before — suddenly taken charge, determined to get exactly what I want, whether or not he likes it. It isn’t evidence of some sort of latent switchiness in my kink; it isn’t dominance, which is concerned with how the other person is feeling and reacting, but just selfishness. And no matter how amazing the resulting orgasms are, I’m always left feeling ashamed and unsatisfied, as if everything had been thrown off balance. And he’s always left feeling strange and unaroused, because the me-on-top thing is (or has become) completely uninteresting to him, both physically and symbolically. And then, of course, this string of thoughts: Why do I feel guilty when I fuck you? Why has something that was once at least somewhat pleasurable for you become something that leaves you so cold? Is something wrong?

Of course, those last two thoughts apply to me as well, in those times when I suddenly can’t get aroused by dominance and pain, those times when his hands pulling my hair and pushing me down leave me cold, or bothered. I think both “What’s wrong with me, that I’m suddenly so vanilla?” and, simultaneously, “What’s wrong with you, that you can’t enjoy just fucking me, without any of the D/S?”

And of course, there’s nothing wrong with either of us. I know that. There’s nothing wrong with him because he can’t turn off his dominance. There’s nothing wrong with me because I sometimes lose my submissiveness. And usually, it’s due to some external stresses in my life, and once I’m calmer and more relaxed, it all goes back to normal. (I know this almost instinctively, but it also helps when there are other very insightful kinky bloggers out there who’ve documented their experiences with the same thing. These posts by Eileen and Maymay, here, here, and here have been helping me out a lot.)

I do worry, sometimes, that I’ll wake up one day and discover that I’m honestly no longer interested in submission and pain, that my kink switch has just been flipped off permanently — or that the neighboring adjustment knob has been turned to “dominant” — and then that’ll pretty much be it for our relationship. Not that our relationship is built entirely around our sex life, but more that it’d be a difficult change to weather. And I know that’s a very silly fear to harbor (I haven’t ever experienced this sort of down time for significantly long periods of time; there’s plenty that we love about each other outside of sex), but it does creep in now and then.

3 comments so far

  1. maymay on

    As usual, something I wanted to say is said far more eloquently by somebody else. 🙂

    For the record, as is probably unsurprising, I am feeling quite a bit more submissive now. As annoying as the fact may be, cycles between relative extremes are something of the norm for me.

    Sometimes it gets stormy, and all you really need to do is weather the wind and the rain.

  2. Eileen on

    Right there with you. Sometimes, even when life *isn’t* getting in the way for some specific, definable reason, it still can feel as though there’s some wire that’s gotten jostled out of place in my brain.

    I worry about our relationship as well, sometimes, and then I remember that it’s good precisely because it’s not just about the sex. That’s the best part.

  3. subversive_sub on

    …and for the record on this end — of course the day after I write all this, everything seems to have gone back to normal! It’s nice to feel it again, almost a sense of relaxing, being home.

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