Closet Kink.

I’ve been wanting to write a longer post about my fears around being “found out” and my ongoing terror that surfaces any time a friend mentions sadomasochism or bondage or anything of the sort. About how I really wish there was some sort of handbook for coming out as kinky, how to respond to friends and strangers who make comments about BDSM being gross and weird.

But I’m not really sure there’s much more I can write, beyond “I wish” and “I don’t know.” Part of me feels like it’s something I need to challenge, constantly, to be assertive and open about my sexuality, and that every time I keep silent when someone makes a joke about masochists, I lose. Part of me feels like I should just not let it bother me so much, that I don’t have to be a BDSM spokesperson, and that I should just remind myself that these people don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about.

Sometimes I feel like writing a “just so you know” email to all my friends, or posting on my more public blog or hell, putting a flyer on my bedroom door. I’m tired of feeling like there’s this big secret part of my life that my friends can’t know about, but I also don’t feel like there’s any good way to bring it up, or even really a reason to, aside from those rare occasions when a friend makes some uninformed comment about BDSM and hurts my feelings. I’ve never really talked to most of my friends about sex, to begin with — so suddenly talking to them about my kinky side would feel very strange. And maybe I don’t need to, or at least not to everyone. But I do hate this feeling of hiding, the fear of being found out, and the fear of rejection.

2 comments so far

  1. Dw3t-Hthr on

    I’m not exactly what you’d call closeted, and the one time I actually wore my collar to a gathering that included friends I was terrified. Many of them were aware that my liege and I have the sort of relationship we do; the ones who weren’t aware of that were at least aware that he and I have a relationship.

    And it scared the howling hell out of me. Most of the people there are people who read or at least know about the blog. But at the same time, even being out, even having this stuff known, it doesn’t make it easier. Doesn’t mean that I didn’t have the horrible terror that if I showed up collared, showed up as a submissive, they wouldn’t think less of me. People who have known me for years, know in the abstract that I’m his….

    Eesh. The world is trippy, and not always in a good way.

  2. Brina on

    I think it is really hard to talk about anything concerning sex because of the way it is supposed to be so hush hush but the reality is as my roomie told me, “It’s something everyone thinks about on a daily basis.”

    One of the most amazing things about talking about BDSM with some of my friends is realizing even if someone doesn’t identity with it, I always get asked do you think I’m a top or a bottom? You will have the occasional eww I don’t understand but if they are a friend they will not think less of you. They may think you’re a bit weirder than they thought but hey its a good thing in my book. They may want you to explain yourself, just like being an anarchist.

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